Forever Changed

Well I am a few days into life back in America and I am already struggling. I don’t think I could have prepared enough for coming back. Everything seems different.

I feel so out of place, my house doesn’t feel like my home, and I’m an emotional wreck. I guess that’s what living in Africa for two months will do to you though. I don’t know if I expected my heart to be changed as much as it has but here I am crying every 5 minutes, not knowing how to talk to people, getting emotional as I open the fridge full of food, having a complete breakdown when I saw the new television my parents bought while I was away, and the mere thought of entering a store makes me nervous. And to be honest, the amount of white people around kind of freaks me out.

I am forever changed and I’m okay with that. I would not trade my two months in Zambia for anything. In fact, if I could hop on a plane right now and go back I would. My intern mama, Cheryl, keeps telling me I’m not allowed to make any major decisions within three months though so I think that might fall into that category.

I fell in love with Zambia; with the people, the culture, the slower paced, more relational way of life. God already knew I would feel that way though before I even stepped off the plane. He knew I would fall in love and not want to leave because that’s how He made me. He knew that coming back would be hard for me too. He is the same God in Zambia as He is in Texas though and I know He is sitting here with me as I process all these crazy thoughts and emotions.

Since I know that He is good and that He works all things out for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28), I know His plan for me in calling me back to America is good. I know that what He has in store is better than anything else. I firmly believe that with my whole heart.

So as much as my heart is breaking and I want to punch people for saying dumb things like “How was the plane ride? Wow 16 hours that is so long.”, I know He is using each moment for my good and to teach me something. Just like He used each moment in Africa for my good and to teach me too many things to count.

I saw Him and His people in a whole new way. I truly saw what it looks like to love people the way Jesus does. Jesus forever changed my heart. Although I don’t know what the “now what?” looks like, I know God has a plan and it’s going to blow my mind. I just can’t wait to see it.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.” -1 Corinthians 2:9