Forever Changed

Well I am a few days into life back in America and I am already struggling. I don’t think I could have prepared enough for coming back. Everything seems different.

I feel so out of place, my house doesn’t feel like my home, and I’m an emotional wreck. I guess that’s what living in Africa for two months will do to you though. I don’t know if I expected my heart to be changed as much as it has but here I am crying every 5 minutes, not knowing how to talk to people, getting emotional as I open the fridge full of food, having a complete breakdown when I saw the new television my parents bought while I was away, and the mere thought of entering a store makes me nervous. And to be honest, the amount of white people around kind of freaks me out.

I am forever changed and I’m okay with that. I would not trade my two months in Zambia for anything. In fact, if I could hop on a plane right now and go back I would. My intern mama, Cheryl, keeps telling me I’m not allowed to make any major decisions within three months though so I think that might fall into that category.

I fell in love with Zambia; with the people, the culture, the slower paced, more relational way of life. God already knew I would feel that way though before I even stepped off the plane. He knew I would fall in love and not want to leave because that’s how He made me. He knew that coming back would be hard for me too. He is the same God in Zambia as He is in Texas though and I know He is sitting here with me as I process all these crazy thoughts and emotions.

Since I know that He is good and that He works all things out for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28), I know His plan for me in calling me back to America is good. I know that what He has in store is better than anything else. I firmly believe that with my whole heart.

So as much as my heart is breaking and I want to punch people for saying dumb things like “How was the plane ride? Wow 16 hours that is so long.”, I know He is using each moment for my good and to teach me something. Just like He used each moment in Africa for my good and to teach me too many things to count.

I saw Him and His people in a whole new way. I truly saw what it looks like to love people the way Jesus does. Jesus forever changed my heart. Although I don’t know what the “now what?” looks like, I know God has a plan and it’s going to blow my mind. I just can’t wait to see it.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.” -1 Corinthians 2:9

All is Grace

I read the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp recently. I loved it and highly recommend it. Her writing is basically like poetry. It’s beautiful truth that will seep into your soul as you read each page. This book is obviously about gifts and in it she makes a list of the gifts God has given her and giving thanks. God has a way of wooing us with the everyday things we just have to see it. Ann talks about how everything is grace because everything is from God. It is seeing God in everything and thanking Him for everything that is in our lives that brings the fullness of joy.

Anyway, it is a great read and I give it all the stars. The point of me bringing up Ann is that she talks about time. In One Thousand Gifts she says, “Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one.” I have found that to be very true as my time is coming to an end here in Zambia. I keep asking myself where the time went. It seriously feels like yesterday we were getting off the plane and stepping into this new and exciting world of unknown. Now we have finally mastered where everything is, which grocery store is the best and least expensive, how to drive like a Zambian, and it’s time to leave.

Yesterday we visited Chongwe for the last time. We got to go and say our goodbyes to all of the kids and all of the mamas. Some of the kids asked me when I was coming back or if I would be back next year. I told them “I’m not sure when I’ll be back but I will be back I can promise you that.” 

Saying goodbye to those kids was the hardest part of this trip so far. Reading Ann has put things into a new perspective for me though. Although it breaks my heart to leave the sweet little nuggets that have become a part of me over the summer, I am so thankful that God brought me here. I am thankful for all of the smiles I’ve gotten to see, all of the laughs filled with joy I’ve gotten to hear, all of the hands I’ve gotten to hold, all of the many hugs I’ve given and received, and all of the love that has been shared.

My heart wants so badly to stay here but I know God is good and will bring me back in His timing. This morning we had our last devo with the EOH staff. It was really good. God had some great reminders for us that although our time is ending here we cannot even fathom the amazing things He has in store for the future. (1 Corinthians 2:9-10)

Psalm 73:26 was also in our devo this morning which says, “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Such a good reminder as our time comes to an end here. Even cooler, how God gives us little nuggets of wisdom like these when we need it most.  

He also gives us wonderful convos with our intern mama, Cheryl, when we need them most like this morning. We got to start our day talking with her and her just giving us advice and preparing us for coming home. The best piece of advice she gave us though was to enjoy today. I am so thankful that we got to talk to Cheryl this morning and to have her to give us words of wisdom. She also looked directly at me and told me not to make and major decisions when I get back for 3 to 6 months. She knows me too well. :)

Through reading Ann, talking with Cheryl, and my continued convos with Brooke and Lauren, God is reminding me to enjoy today and give thanks for each moment He’s given me here because all is grace.